the Oregon Excuse

I have a very strong need to feel rebellious. And very weak capacity for actual rebellion. That being said, I have fully embraced this idea of running away, and since about December have used my impending semester in Oregon as a method by which to rationalize every strange decision I make. "Oh well," I say to myself, "I get to run away."

Even with the Excuse in full swing, I find every attempted rebellion essentially thwarted. If it's not my noisy conscience, it's the sense that I'm doing fine and should stop trying to rationalize normalcy. And if it's not that, it's old Greek Guys with Dolce and Gabbana glasses stopping me on Grand Avenue to ask whether I believe in God and Jesus. To which I must answer, enthusuastically, yes.

And so the rebellion is not the point. The point is I have a new rain jacket which I've taken for two test drives. Once for a night run around the block in the pouring rain and once for a barefoot puddly wander with Lelia and Kevin. I have a new rain jacket, and a new sleeping bag, and a new place to go filled with new people to love.

I get to go to this New Place in 5 days. 5 more days of failed rebellion to go. Or 5 more days to love This Place and These People before I take off to love That Place and Those People.

Excuses are so stupid.

a note about the title

I took the title of my blog from Allen Ginsberg's poem America. The original line reads: "America how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?" 

This poem speaks to the odd experience of standing simultaneously in complete identification with and in complete contrast to a place or an idea. Ginsberg addresses his country, establishes his disassociation with it, realizes that he actually is America, then reflects on the paradox of this epiphany. (If you haven't read the poem, please do. Really.)

The way Ginsberg feels about America is the same way I feel about pretty much everything. In order to love something I have to kind of hate it. It looks like I'm going backward when I'm really going foreward. I run from God, I end up running into God. Make sense?

The question "how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?" is rhetorical. It answers itself. America is a holy litany in a silly mood. My life is a holy litany in a silly mood. I want my writing to be the same. I think that's honest. 

a returning

I've moved back to my hometown of Rosemount, Minnesota for the first time in over two years. I had to get out of Bethel housing for the month of August so facilities could prepare the apartment buildings for incoming students. Great. The good news is, I now get free groceries and don't have to pay rent. While Carolynn, as coffee shop Billy predicts, gets knocked up. (She'll be at her boyfriend's.) "But wouldn't it be hilarious if it ended up being the other way around?" he said. I told him we'd keep him posted. DISCLAIMER: We're both good girls. Really. Nobody's getting knocked up. But I digress.

The move was, of course, grueling. I sustained minor injuries while moving the couch and then lost my phone while taking out the trash. Luckily, my dad came up to help cart stuff back to Rosemount, so after dialing my number several times and hearing it ring from deep inside a big recycling bin, he dove right in there and rescued it like the Superman he is. 

And my scraped-up wrist is covered in triple antibiotic ointment which I didn't have to buy.

Returning to Rosemount gives me the urge to sort of re-vamp my life, so one of the first things I did was to go to Target and get a new wallet. Only if you've seen my old wallet will you understand what a significant life change this is. I inherited it from my mom. It was bulky and black and ugly. Because I'm kind of frugal, I kept it for three years even though I hated it.

The new one is a classy blue clutch, still a bit oversized, but a huge improvement overall. This is a really, really big deal for me. Others are not so excited (ahem, Katie Terhune.)

I just love all my friends.

Starting this blog is another big step in the re-vamping of my life. It's main purpose is probably so people can keep track of me as I venture out to Oregon this fall, but for  now I can entertain my readers with tales of recycling bins, coffee shops, and blue wallets. Peace.